MONDAY
PG=100
Went through Swagspeare and fixed up the players names; put the character numbers to each character--- I feel like I did something else but I can't remember.
Oh! Updated my resume and added my reading at Young Playwrights office to the list.
TUESDAY
PG=100
I had my internship at Young Playwrights, and I got a new commission for a 10-20 minute play--- I have 3 proposals due jan 7th.
Then Kimani and I went to go see Crystal Skillman's "OPEN" and it was bloody fantastic. Of course, I expect nothing short of perfection every time I see something from Crystal: she is always so sweet! We got to talk shop and college--- I get reconnected with Michael Padden, whom I worked briefly with at Samuel French last year--- fun night.
WEDNESDAY
PG=100
I put a hundred but a deserve a negative zero and a death sentence. In class---we know what happened in class, but i'll say it anyway: accusations of playgerism were thrown and at the time (I'm typing this Saturday) I did not believe what I did was playgerism (pick up lines situation) so I spent all night writing ms. Aladren my "defense email" and things, gathering up material to prove my innocence--- cried. Alot. More than I normally do- sea of tears.
THURSDAY
PG=100
Still I deserve a negative million- I'm a horrible human being--- I learned the true meaning and laws of playgerism and I spent my entire night crying like a baby. I literally did nothing else. Tears of my enemies because I am public enemy number one. I just lost all respect for myself, but most importantly the respect of Ms. Aladren and all my peers.
Something from my sophomore year that stuck out to me, came back to my memory today: it is something i will never forget for my entire life--- it was the moment Ms. Aladren told me in front of the entire class that "I write well but--- I just don't like you as a person"---
I have spent 4 years trying to get better--- to improve and earn respect and one stupid mindless mistake that I didn't even know I was doing has ruined all my progress .
Everyone tells me that I have improved so much since freshmen year but today I just feel like that stupid fucking girl from 2010 who is crying in a corner because no one like her---because she makes people not like her. Loathe her.
Today I was told that I have no morals and I have worked so hard to try and be a human I wanted to win respect and the tile of human being---- but I guess that's the problem. I wanted to win it. It is not all about winning and that makes me an immoral monster.
I started smoking.
Maybe ill die of cancer when I'm 48 if I'm lucky.
FRIDAY
PG=100
I performed in the BENIFIt concert. I was very proud of myself, I didn't cry in public today! I sang my two songs, I had originally planned for three but I got cut---again: I deserved it though.
Anyway, I performed my two angry songs. And that was all.
SATURDAY
PG=100
I got an acceptance letter to SUNY Purchase--- I don't know why I'm not happy about it. I told my dad and he started yelling at me because purchase isn't an Ivy League school--- I'm just a disapiontment.
Hopefully next year will be better: I just need to think positive.
There are three types of people in the world:
The optimist who sees the glass half full,
The pessimist who sees the glass half empty,
And the opportunist who is the person who drank the other half of the glass
Then there is me: who might not even be a person at all--- and just a leach that latches onto the world and sucks it of all hope and art.
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