So there is this yoga class (apparently) at my temple that my mom wanted to go to---and for some reason she thought it would be fun to drag me along...because what is better than an out of shape yenta trying to reach zen? that's right: TWO out of shape yentas trying to reach zen! (I love you mom if you are reading this).
SO---long story short---I was dragged into going.
Now if any of you have the *misfortune* to know me---I don't "zen". I can barley touch my toes----not because I'm out of shape ( round is a shape, just to be clear)---it is because I have a big head, and little arms. I am a human T-rex. Very scary, Very "top-dog". VERY TINY ARMS.
So as you can imagine, yoga really isn't my thing. Yoga is about being peaceful, being accepting, being able to stretch and explore your body---- all these things are FAR out of my element.
However once I arrived, a sudden rush of---dare I say it---happiness--- consumed me. The room smelled of burnt knishes, and sounded of running streams from the amazon. Of course there were only three other women----lets be honest now---- Jewish women aren't really into the whole "zen and exercise" thing. If it doesn't involve free bagels, or a viewing of a Barbra Streisand movie---we normally don't attend. However, there is a certain appeal to yoga. For example :"I heard Jennifer Larwance does this, so it must be good!"
Of course, I would forget to bring a yoga mat----and of course I would forget to even wear yoga pants: so here I am, with a beach towel in my batman and plaid pajama pants---ready to "yoga".
Yoga is enlightening. For example, tonight I was enlightened on exactly how weak I truly am. Like superman who was wearing a suit made of Kryptonite--- I could not hold plank for the life of me. Weather it was Warrior 1----7---394--- My knees would lock and buckle under me, my balance would be askew, and my mind would be wandering around the room checking to see if everyone else as failing just as badly as I was.
Needless to say, I was not very good at it. I did enjoy myself though. I enjoyed being a part of something, i enjoyed trying and failing. The greatest things in life are learned from failures. Now I know where I am mentally and physically---and once you've hit bottom you can only go up!
So I left yoga with an open mind, and shaky knees.
Getting in the car with my mother---we discussed what to do after yoga. What do we do after a spiritual and physical mind-altering experience? Pizza. Fat and delicious--- cheesy pizza. (obviously).
However, fate had something much crueler planned in store for us.
A flat tire.
Out of all things---the plague, a tsunami----no, Fate gave us a flat tire. And to add insult to injury, no WiFi at that. No way to call for help. Barley any heat from the car-- I mean, who needs warmth, when outside is just so peachy?!?! (*eye twitch**eye twitch*).
SO needless to say: both of us were quite agitated. My mother resulted into getting out of the car and searching for WiFi to call AAA---while I took to a more rational route---and began to write a poem.
And here is the fruit of my labor---- (and no, I was indeed rescued from my parking lot isolation. I am home now and warm-ish. Now on with the blog!!!)
"When stranded in the temple parking lot with a flat tire and no-WiFi: think of Florida and me."
When you are stranded in the temple parking lot with a flat tire and no-WiFi
--a few things come to mind.
First of all---dear lord: why.
What did I do to deserve this punishment---
In a car so frozen, you could have sworn you heard the engine singing "let it go".
You think to yourself---- dear lord, I'm going to die here---
Sitting in your yoga pants clinging to your seat belt for what little warmth you can find.
You think about warm things:
Florida.
Your mother.
The beach.
Florida.
The amazon.
The boy next door with eyes like the sun that if you look into them you start to burn deep down inside your heart deep down beneath your thighs---
Florida.
You think of Florida a lot.
You think of Florida a lot.
You think of him on the beach in Florida with the ocean sprinkled on his skin like crystal pyramids---
You realize you stole this analogy from a play---
You realize you have stolen your life from a play---
You've read this part before.
Boy meets girl-
Girl falls for boy---
Boy falls for a slut---
Girl gets broken--
Girl goes to yoga---
Girl gets a flat tire---
Girl is stranded in the temple parking lot with no WiFi and a wandering mind---and a broken heart---and thoughts of Florida and you.
Sometimes I think to myself: just knowing you is to love you
Sometimes I think to myself: just knowing you is to love you
Amy Whinehouse and chocolate Jesus all in one
but then I think to myself---
To know me is to know what it feels like to have your face dragged in the mud across town,
Justin Beiber, diabetes---
Maybe it's cold or maybe it's my cold heart---
I'm a bit jaded and jealous of everyone---
Sometimes I want to be with you, sometimes I want to be you--
A part if you:
I want to be your left kidney---
I want to be the white blood cell in your left ventricle:
I want to protect you.
I'm not strong---
I can't even fix a flat tire---
But if I was a roof I would hold myself up day and night to cover you In my love:
Shelter you from the storm: watch over you among the stars---
Oh, the stars are so lucky to be able to see you sleep every night.
Now, I look at the stars, as I hear the AAA truck pull up beside me and ask myself out loud:
When you look at the stars do you see Aquarius?
Or do you see my smile?
If you ever have the misfortune to be stranded in a temple parking lot with a flat tire and no WiFi----
If you ever have the misfortune to be stranded in a temple parking lot with a flat tire and no WiFi----
Don't think of the coldness outside.
Don't think about how long it will take for someone to come and help---
Don't think about how late it is.
Think of Florida and me.
And we will keep you warm for the rest of the night.
I promise
No comments:
Post a Comment