December 16th ---December 21st

EEP!!! This is a late blog; I've had the worst 2 weeks of my entire life--- endless misery, I think I was hitler in a past life an now I'm suffering for my sins. Anyway this is just a recap on my misery:

MONDAY

PG=100

Went through Swagspeare and fixed up the players names; put the character numbers to each character--- I feel like I did something else but I can't remember.

Oh! Updated my resume and added my reading at Young Playwrights office to the list.

TUESDAY 

PG=100

I had my internship at Young Playwrights, and I got a new commission for a 10-20 minute play--- I have 3 proposals due jan 7th.

Then Kimani and I went to go see Crystal Skillman's "OPEN" and it was bloody fantastic. Of course, I expect nothing short of perfection every time I see something from Crystal: she is always so sweet! We got to talk shop and college--- I get reconnected with Michael Padden, whom I worked briefly with at Samuel French last year--- fun night. 

WEDNESDAY

PG=100

I put a hundred but a deserve a negative  zero and a death sentence. In class---we know what happened in class, but i'll say it anyway: accusations of playgerism were thrown and at the time (I'm typing this Saturday) I did not believe what I did was playgerism (pick up lines situation) so I spent all night writing ms. Aladren my "defense email" and things, gathering up material to prove my innocence--- cried. Alot. More than I normally do- sea of tears. 

THURSDAY

PG=100

Still I deserve a negative million- I'm a horrible human being--- I learned the true  meaning   and laws of playgerism and I spent my entire night crying like a baby. I literally did nothing else. Tears of my enemies because I am public enemy number one. I just lost all respect for myself, but most importantly the respect of Ms. Aladren and all my peers. 

Something from my sophomore year that stuck out to me, came back to my memory today: it is something i will never forget for my entire life--- it was the moment Ms. Aladren told me in front of the entire class that "I write well but--- I just don't like you as a person"---

I have spent 4 years trying to get better--- to improve and earn respect and one stupid mindless mistake that I didn't even know I was doing has ruined all my progress .

Everyone tells me that I have improved so much since freshmen year but today I just feel like that stupid fucking girl from 2010 who is crying in a corner because no one like her---because she makes people not like her. Loathe her. 

Today I was told that I have no morals and I have worked so hard to try and be a human I wanted to win respect and the tile of human being---- but I guess that's the problem. I wanted to win it. It is not all about winning and that makes me an immoral monster.

I started smoking.

Maybe ill die of cancer when I'm 48 if I'm lucky.

FRIDAY

PG=100

I performed in the BENIFIt concert. I was very proud of myself, I didn't cry in public today! I sang my two songs, I had originally  planned for three but I got cut---again: I deserved it though. 

Anyway, I performed my two angry songs. And that was all.

SATURDAY

PG=100

I got an acceptance letter to SUNY Purchase--- I don't know why I'm not happy about it. I told my dad and he started yelling at me because purchase isn't an Ivy League school--- I'm just a disapiontment.

Hopefully next year will be better: I just need to think positive.

There are three types of people in the world:

The optimist who sees the glass half full,

The pessimist who sees the glass half empty,

And the opportunist who is the person who drank the other half of the glass

Then there is me: who might not even be a person at all--- and just a leach that latches onto the world and sucks it of all hope and art.

DECEMBER 8th - DECEMBER 13th

MONDAY 

PG=100

Rehearsal today. I was there.

TUESDAY

PG=100

SNow day: missed my internship ;( I missed my own play reading and I await feedback for new revisions. Whoop.

WEDNESDAY

PG=100

Gave Kimani a music lesson, that was fun. We are trying new teaching methods, because it has been verbalized to me that kimani is more of a hands I learner instead of a vocal/listening learner: so we have her working out the melody and me pitch correcting. I'm not so sure about this, because it is new territory to me, but in willing to try it because I want the best for my students. Just wish that I knew things. Meh.

THURSDAY

PG=1028392749 (so much)

So I taught Jillian a voice lesson today, THEN I went to rehearsal THEN I went to the PTO meeting and organized and filed and mailed letters and things....

So many letters an things....

FRIDAY

PG=100

I have a commission to write a 6 page play, using 3 characters, inspired by the word CRAVE. 

I am doing revisions of my play "THIS IS NOT A PLAY or WRTERS BLOCK: the musical without music"

December 2nd, 2013 - - - December 7th, 2013

MONDAY
PG=100
STAYED AFTER SCHOOL FOR REHERSAL


TUESDAY
PG=100
INTERNSHIP. I got a commission, for a 6 page play, 3 characters and influenced by the word "crave" and I am SO lost on this--- I gotta pull this off: getting a staged reading out of this. XP


WEDNESDAY
PG=100
Gave Kimani a voice lesson. We are working on "Your Father's Son" from Ragtime. Very good song choice, picked by Richard Boizic. I'm helping her learn it and going over a few jazz techniques so---whoop.

THURSDAY
PG=100
Rehersal and Voice lesson with Jillian.
Really proud of her: she has grown so much since our first lesson: she isn't as afraid to try new things as she once was (I really think all that mooing in class was good for her), we started a caver of Fun's "We Are Young", and I challenged her to find a song to mash it up with. We started the first verse and so far so good.
Then I went to rehersal for Swagspeare and worked on some new endings for it.


FRIDAY
PG=100
I had a day of rest; because SAT tomorrow and I want to get into college. I know it's kinda BS, but it is true. My mind's logic is screwy.

GAH- IM A STUPID FUCK: HERE ARE MY BLOGS FOR LAST WEEK (Nov 25th - November 27th)

MONDAY
(it's a monday---)
PG=100

GOAL: Start website/ review and make it not look so conceited.

ACHIEVED? Started? yes. Not self-centered? NO.

I am a selfish fuck. I literally spent an hour just playing with filters for my face and there are a TON of me on there-- so I am selfish. Granted.

I have three pages done. My "home page" which is---not really done. it needs to be less---me. Then my "Bio" page. and then I started this weird portfolio thingy and I thought I would try and be "innovative" and use a picture gallery to talk about my playwrighting---which was a HORRIBLE IDEA.

It's really cool looking, but not very professional---so I gave up on that.
if you want to look at my failure as a person---take a look:

http://editor.wix.com/html/editor/web/renderer/edit/c47998fa-985f-44b3-9e11-684a3e5f9773?metaSiteId=643fd672-ad97-4aff-b459-d017aeb66979&editorSessionId=6BAE9DE4-5C6C-4BDC-9290-686158F9F38C




TUESDAY
PG=100

I HAVE INTERNYTHINGS THIS DAY IN NYC. SO FUCK BLOGGING. SORRY, NOT SORRY!




WEDNESDAY
PG-100

Goal: read/write ALL shakespeare plays for SWAGSPEARE

Acheived? NO---but I have traction

So-----Aladren is trying to kill me. The only logical answer. Aladren came to class for like---2 seconds and told me that I needed to do ALL 33 SHAKESPEARIAN plays for swagspeare....

and then left.

no further explanation.

So I started to read like----- 20 of them----

And I am kinda lost and dazed and word-hungover.
So.
Many.
WORDS.

Gah. it's mid eval torture I tell you.  I read "Tamming of the shrew", ALL THE HISTORIES ( all henry's, richards, and apparently king john's----gah, the worst part of it all), Much Ado, Hamlet, Romeo & Juliet, Tempest, Julius Cesear, Twelth Night, As You Like it, Two Gentlemen of Verona, merchant of Venice, Othello, Love Labor's Lost, Winter's Tale, etc.

TOO MANNY PLAYS.

I have decided to die and become a tree.

I have no clue what to write for Much Ado About Nothing---because I love it just the way it is: i have nothing to say about it....and Merchant of Venice because---honestly? I would do a mash-up of "To succeed on broadway you need jews" from Spamolot, and "springtime for Hitler" from the Producers---put Shakespeare in a swatztikah covered outfit and throw him onto the stage---- but APARENTLLY that's not allowed in a school area.....


so


ya


but like---gah. I'm gonna lose hair over this.

Bad week.

XP =(

NOVEMBER 18th- 22nd

MONDAY- FRIDAY
PG=100

So I Kinda had a bullshit week, so this is going to be a bullshit blog!
Tuesday I had my internship, and then Wednesday I gave Kimani a voice lesson. I did finish the Indygogo campaign movie (it does not have sound yet, i sent it out to the seniors and asked Seb if he could but sound in. I gave him the track I needed.). So there is that---
I ALSO started my website, but I did all of this on Friday night. like---- I did 7 hours of work in one day. I know it is bad work ethic, but I have had really---- big issues this week.

I have discovered that I am a "tortured artist" because I hate everything.
And hormones and Teenage angst. There is always that.

But I really like the start of my portfolio website: all professional: but still a hint of ME in it. So---whoop!
Again, I didn't do that much but what I did was cool.

OH ANOTHER THING I DID:
I finished the final script of SWAGSPEARE & FRIENDS.

Really really really really really really nervous about senior showcase: I just want this skit show to work. And right now---- we are very behind, and very unprepared and I am very very very nervous.

I found a gray hair near my ear today--- GRAY HAIR. I pulled it out, it was painful. Wrote a spoken word on it: so there is that.

I'm going to stop now:
goodnight.


http://editor.wix.com/html/editor/web/renderer/edit/c47998fa-985f-44b3-9e11-684a3e5f9773?metaSiteId=643fd672-ad97-4aff-b459-d017aeb66979&editorSessionId=55175CBF-25A4-4F0E-B4F5-8DCF87614012&#save=0

"My Father": a Spoken Word Poem

I don't like to write about personal things

Because I don't want to mix my personal with my poetry---

Because my poetry is beautiful, and my personal is pethectic

Because my personal needs therapy, and poetry needs people ---

I don't like it but I need it:

Because a part of me thinks that poetry is therapy, and poetry is personal---so that someone pathetic like me could reach people like you.

Ya, I know it's a mouthful.

I used to chew marbles in my mouth and practice mathematical proofs---so that when I talked very fast, which is how I normally talk, I could talk and be heard.

My father was going deaf.

At least, I think he was because he never understood me. I guess it's because I wasn't listening half the time and he wasn't hearing me all the time---

You see my mother was a halfway house between hell and home

And my father was the rock at the bottom of my skirt---

He was heavy, and dense, and he didn't know how to swim----

I guess that's why I liked the ocean so much; because when I would drown in it he couldn't chase after me.

It's not that I didn't love him---

I just didn't like him.

I inherited his brown eyes and tenacious tone of voice: I guess that explains why people don't like me either.

I would bite at the hand that feed,

And then ask for more,

And then I'd sink my teeth into flesh and bite down like a drill and I wouldn't let go until I tasted blood.

Blood connects us, but we don't connect

There isn't a spark and yet I'm "daddy's girl".

Everything on a silver platter--

I hate silver platters, because I can see my reflection in them:

And I look just like my father--

I look just like my father.

I'm sure he's a good man--

A good man--somewhere---to someone

And I know he means best
 

---                 

But sometimes your best isn't good enough

He tells me that,

He won't let me forget that,

I can NEVER forget that

Night when his fist went through my bedroom wall

And I left the gap there for two months

Until my friends started asking questions.

I liked the giant hole in my wall because

It was open and distorted:

I dream about it all the time.

My father tells me all about his dreams:

About how I'm Citizen Kane or Oprah:

I tell him about t dreams

Where I'm me and he asks me

"Why would you want to be you"

And---I don't know-- lady GaGa told me I was born this way?

My body is 90% water,

I guess that's why I cry so much.

I cry all the time.

In fact,

When Im done with this poem I think I'll cry some more--

Because it is too personal:

I know you don't want my autobiography 

This isn't about me

This is about my father

And I'm turning into my father

I'm turning into my father

Turning into my father

Into my father

My father

Father.

For someone who prides herself on being such an individual--- I'm just like my father....

I put my fist through the wall today.

October 21st, 2013 - - - October 25th, 2013

MONDAY
PG=100

DAILY GOAL: FINSIH DAMN PLAYS FOR THE LAST FRICKIN TIME GAHHH

ACHEIVED? SURE. MAYBE. YES.

SO if this script needs to be edited one more FUCKING time I might die. Because I have put my blood sweat tears and art into this play trying to make it good enough for Seb to direct.

I made it have some sort of arch and emotion and ya--- I kept my artistic integrity (which is hard to do, because I don't have a lot of it) and I still managed to change most of my script to fit what needed to be done.
 Hayley's out. I just--- ya.

I don't know what else to say. It hink the piece is speaking for itself.
Let's just hope its not cursing someone out or speaking in a different language.
That'd be PRETTY bad.
 (posting script pics from ipod> hope they went through)


TUESDAY
PG=100

DAILY GOAL: Internship thingy in NYC

DO I have to blog about this? I don't really want to blog about this. I came. I saw. I conquered.

HOWEVER I will say that one of the plays we are reading right now is from the Netflix Collections and our homework is to watch BBC SHERLOCK, which I watch and worship on a daily basis.
The inner fan girl in me is super happy.



WEDNESDAY
PG=100

DAILY GOAL: Jillian Lesson

ACHEIVED? yes.

So I worked with Jillian today again. Things are going swell---steadily. We "completed" the song. Now I'm just tweaking the performance of it---- presentation of it.

Hopefully by next week we will be good. I'll try and record her. That should be fun. XP

Til Next week.



THURSDAY
PG=100

DAILY GOAL:    COLLEGE ESSAYS

ACHEIVED? NOPE. YES. GAH.

So I worked really hard on these three essays--- that I'm not using now because I have decided to not apply to Yale and Brown.

I'm just---gah----senior depression.

I just want to be good enough for something-- but that shouldn't be my goal. GAH
Sometimes I really hate how I act.

I might as well share the essay's that I worked really hard on


*Brown question one:* Tell us where you have lived - and for
> how long -
> > since you were born; whether you've always lived in the same
> place, or
> > perhaps in a variety of places. (100 word limit)
> >
> >
> > I have always ‘lived’ in New Jersey. For 16 years I stayed
> within the arms
> > of the garden state and allowed it to coddle me into the
> carbon copy of the
> > stereotypical bourgeois Jewish-american girl. I went through
> the movements
> > of life like a cog inside of a factory, and never questioned
> the function
> > of the machine. I witnessed the other gears grind to a halt
> around me while
> > others continued cycling through the movements without an end.
> I heard the
> > squeaky wheels being silenced and then replaced, and thought
> nothing of
> > their squeals until it was I who was being replaced in the
> system. From the
> > sidelines I could see the bright new gears quickly evolve into
> rusted> rotating cylinders that were stuck on a repetitive loop
> forced to partake
> > in the same menial job every day without end. I heard them
> call it the life
> > in which they choose to live and felt the heaviness in their
> words like a
> > brick on my back. I have been in New Jersey for 16 years, but
> I have not
> > lived there. For me, there is no living in the 3rd state of
> America.>
> >
> >
> > *Brown Question 2: *We all exist within communities or groups
> of various
> > sizes, origins, and purposes; pick one and tell us why it is
> important to
> > you, and how it has shaped you. (150 word limit)
> >
> >
> > I am a part of the artistic community because it allows me to
> see that I
> > am not a good person, but gives me the opportunity to be a
> great person
> > through art. Art is transformative for both the maker and the
> viewer. I
> > love the versatile nature of artists; always evolving and
> adapting into the
> > world as it changes. Nay, I would go as for to say that the
> world changes
> > because art makes it change. I keep finding that the barrier
> between artist
> > and art is constantly being re-defined every passing day. Art is
> > collaborative in every sense of the word: because we discover
> ourselves> through art. by surrounding myself with art, I absorb
> the ability to do as
> > such: to always be changing, to always being re-defining
> everything, and to
> > always be involved in collaboration with other individuals.
> Art is
> > the application of human creativity, skill, and imagination.
> By being a
> > part of a society that embraces this definition to the point
> where they
> > are the definition, is truly humbling as a human being. To do
> art, is to be
> > human. Being an artist is the most human thing I could
> possibly think of,
> > and what greater group to belong to than the human race itself.
> >
> >
> > *Brown Question 3: *Why are you drawn to the area(s) of study you
> > indicated in our Member Section, earlier in this application?
> (150 word
> > limit)
> >
> >
> > I have always been enthralled with the written language. I
> consumed words
> > like food in my early ages. I drank them in as if they were
> ambrosia and
> > let the run-on sentence trickle down my cheeks, yet my hunger
> was never
> > satisfied with the verses I was given. As I grew older my
> desire for prose
> > followed my evolution exponentially, yet the more I craved the
> less I was
> > able to attain, and yet, my hands never stopped holding
> themselves out
> > asking: “Please sir, may I have some more?” Therefore when I
> was given
> > nothing and left to my own devises, I came to the conclusion
> that if I
> > could not find the words to mollify me I would have to create
> my own. I
> > wrote on laptops, and napkins, and notepads, and walls. Any
> surface that
> > would hold ink, would hold my words. Even those nights when I
> would run out
> > of ink or break the pen from pushing to hard into the paper: I
> would find
> > other means to get my messages across. I would press my
> fingertips into the
> > keyboard so fast and so hard sometimes, that the skin would
> split and
> > create a red coat over my keyboard. The literature was always
> worth it: The
> > plays and the words were always worth the blisters and the
> head-aches.
> >
> > (I DONT KNOW HOW TO END THIS ESSAY)


(sorry, its copied from an email---so ya)




FRIDAY
PG=100

DAILY GOAL: umm---set up for party?

ACHEIVED: yes.


I'm a horrible artist. I did nothing really artistic today. Because I'm throwing a Halloween party for 98% of MCVTS and I'm going to count that as something artistic.

Sometimes you need a day off because everything sucks, and your a highschool teenager and life wants to kill you.
So ya---
there's that.

The party is going to be AWESOME and there has been a lot of thought and work put into it so I guesss that is also work effort.

Point is: I don't want to fail.

I know you will judge me.
Harshly, cruely.

But I will stand by that statement that I could use a day off from artist-ing. I art every day and I deserve some peace.
"take a day for yourself".

YOU GOTTA FIGHT
FOR YOUR RIGHT
TO PARTYYYYYYYYYYYYY


<3

That's all I got.

Sorry.